Over the years I’ve been specialising in low self-esteem, and the many hundreds of clients I’ve worked with, there is occasionally a feeling that high self-esteem is not essential, but a nice to have. That you can do just fine in life, while living with low self-esteem. But it will be a little less comfortable for you then if you were brimming with self-confidence. And yes, many people who struggle with their self-worth will get by. They will find themselves a job. Also a partner and a friendship group. But there is always a high cost of low self-esteem. Because it impacts not only every part of our life, but also our concept of ourself.
And over the course of many months and years, it will add up to have a significant impact on the quality of your life.
The reality of living with low self-esteem
Speaking about her own experience with low self-esteem, Chloe from Cornwall suddenly noticed, in her late 30s how much she’d sacrificed. She says,
“I spent most of my twenties chasing unsuitable men. The less they were interested in me the more I was interested in them. I loved the buzz of a new conquest and the feeling I was desired. In fact my need to be seen by men, even influenced my career. I studied English Lit at university, and was good at it, but instead of going into journalism or research, I decided to become a dancer.
“The male attention was wonderful for my ego, but the job was completely dead end. I wasn’t a particularly talented dancer, and this was mostly shimmying. At the back of my head I knew that my dad leaving had impacted me. It wasn’t so much the divorce, but he was irregular with his visits which made me feel abandoned.
“But I didn’t think I needed to talk to a counsellor. I wasn’t traumatised or in crisis. Life was good fun a lot of the time.
“And then at 37, it felt like someone had flicked a switch. My friends were getting married, getting their masters and building houses with money they’d saved. I realised I wanted what they had too. But I’d been too scared to admit it to myself. But also my own career and desires always came secondary to the validation of men.”
Zoe’s was able to see a counsellor and work through her self-esteem issues. She is now able to focus on what she wants and plan a future that fits for her. The majority of people find that their lack of self-worth shows up in smaller less obvious ways. For example, people pleasing.
People pleasing and low self-esteem
Marcia*, a marketing manager from Surrey is currently wrestling with the realisation that her low self-esteem has stopped her from going for what she wants in life
“As far back as I can remember I have needed people to like me. If I even imagine that someone might be annoyed with me, I can’t relax. And the thought of confrontation makes me feel physically sick.
“It’s only now in my early forties, that I can see how much this has cost me. Once I didn’t go forward for a promotion because another woman in my office was also going for it. And, when I was single, if a friend and I liked the same man, I’d just pretend I’d gone off him.”
“I can see how I’ve held myself back in life. And I’m so regretful about that. It’s only now, working through it with my therapist, that I can see what my lack of self-confidence has cost me.
If any of this is ringing bells with you, then it sounds like you too may be suffering from low self-worth. And if you’re ready to take the next step, then why not organise a discovery call with me and see if I’m the right counsellor for you.